watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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