NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
