There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
