Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
