Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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