So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
