thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
