dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
