I just threw up on my dentist
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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