This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
