i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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