We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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