Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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