Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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