happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
