Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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