2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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