I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
