She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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