just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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