Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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