I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
