im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
