I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize