After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
