You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
