I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
