If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
