don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
