just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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