True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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