As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
