Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
