I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
