my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
FUCK WHALES
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
