I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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