Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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