Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
