we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
