my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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