That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
We got so high we made milksteak
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
