i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i dont even know how to be here
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
