i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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