Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
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