you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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