Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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