mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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