Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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