mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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