We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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