i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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