Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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