Please, let me fuck your mom
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
