I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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