i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
