I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Randomize
