I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
