Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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