Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
