I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
