Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
