Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
