you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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