I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize