my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
