i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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