Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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